Weekly Marriage Tips

Roggli wouldn’t put it this way, but I will.  Non-ADHD partners have no clue how hard it can be to manage an ADHD brain!  Here are just a few descriptions from ADHD adults about what it’s like to have that mind:

• Like popcorn popping in my head all the time

• Like having 59 TVs blaring in my head all at once.

• Like having faulty windshield wipers on your car – sometimes you can see clearly, but often it’s a real blur

• Like having the Library of Congress in your head with no card catalogue.

These quotes speak to (in order) the speed, noisiness, inconsistency/obstruction, and lack of order of the ADHD brain.  Now take a moment and imagine what it would be like to write a research paper if your brain was filled with TONS of information, only some of which was relevant, and you had to find just the right information in ‘the Library of Congress with no card catalogue!’

The more I work with adults with ADHD, the more I admire their willingness to manage their ADHD brains – creating systems that work for them.  And the good news is that research strongly supports the claim that those who really work to optimize their ADHD treatment CAN manage their ADHD brains.  But to non-ADHD partners out there – remember that it is about ‘management’ not ‘cure.’  So it takes extra effort and time to be productive.

If you’ve ever wondered why it takes an ADHD partner longer to do the same thing…now you know.

Deep Dive.... Melissa recommends 10 Great Books For Couples Impacted by ADHD. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One thing about compassion – only you are in charge of how compassionate you are.  With ADHD-impacted couples, sustaining compassion can be difficult.  Compassion takes focused attention, the ability to hear or notice the emotions of another, and the absence of anger.

Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell likes to call forgiveness “a gift we give to ourselves” and if Blackburn’s research is right, compassion is much like that.  But how do couples get past ADHD symptomatic behaviors and responses to ADHD to a more compassionate relationship?

Here are three suggestions:

• Practice gratitude by taking time each day to write about what you are grateful for right then.  This strengthens positive pathways in your brain.

• Set aside both ‘attend time’ (i.e. time to focus romantically just on each other with few distractions) and ‘discussion time.’  This last is at least one hour a week in which the only agenda is to listen to what is on your partner’s mind, and ask questions to understand it better

• Practice mindfulness – which over time will allow you both to resist jumping into a conversation before you have a moment to think about it

I’ve seen over and over that these strategies, when coupled with work on how to communicate calmly and manage ADHD symptoms really can create a much more compassionate relationship.

Want to dive deeper? ....Read my blog posts on ADHD and Mindfulness and gratitude in an ADHD-impacted relationship.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When I talk with couples about improving their relationship I urge them to think in terms of having two distinct relationships – the ‘old’ relationship, and the ‘new’ one.  I want them to leave the old one behind and start fresh – using their new understanding of ADHD to radically alter how they both behave, and committing to contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…moving away from destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and chore wars.

That means stopping the focus on ‘where we’ve been’ and asking instead ‘what’s our ideal relationship?  What do we want to build?’  And then…’How would I behave if I were in that relationship?’  This focus on today and tomorrow, rather than yesterday, makes a huge difference in terms of your growth.

You can't do this alone- BOTH partners must help define their future, then ‘behave their way into it,’ showing compassion and individual strength.  But think about it – don’t you want to make the ‘existing model’ of your relationship extinct?  Fuller has it exactly right.

Melissa Orlov will present at the CHADD International Conference on ADHD November 11 - Atlanta, GA (Lecture & Q&A)

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Well, I might not agree completely with this statement as I think there are crimes that aren’t ever condonable.  But when one is talking about behavior in a relationship, then I think that this statement holds true.  Do we not tend to criticize our partner for being angry, curt or hurtful yet ‘understand it’ when we do similar things ourselves?

I certainly fell into this pattern.  For years it wasn’t okay for my husband to treat me poorly, but his inconsistent behaviors ‘justified’ my criticisms and anger in return.  This kept on until I realized that not only did I not like him very much, but I also didn’t like ME very much, either.  It was time to set my own standards – and stick to them!

Partners do best when they conscientiously contribute their ‘best selves’ to their relationship and I challenge all with whom I work to look at their own behavior with an objective eye.  Would they like to be with themselves if they were in the same room?

How about you?  Are you contributing your ‘best self?”  If not, look back to your most important values and ask yourself how you might do better.  Your situation will likely improve.

Washington DC friends: My workshop on Anger and Communication will help you bring your 'best self'. Starts October 21st. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Satisfaction, happiness, and self-esteem are related to the gap between expectations and reality.  The smaller the gap, the higher the levels of happiness and self-esteem are.

This creates a problem for adults with ADHD, because expectations are generally that they will perform just as well as those who aren’t encumbered by ADHD symptoms, simply because they are adults.  Though they often do perform well – and even excel - on big picture tasks (think starting a new company) and in high pressure emergency situations (think day trader; emergency room physician) the mundane parts of life can be tough.  Forget about perfectionism…ADHD symptoms get in the way of meeting ‘regular’ expectations!  Most ADHD adults experience a lot of shame, even if they aren’t talking about it.

Be aware of triggering that shame (shame does not lead to positive responses in most cases!)  And, if you are the partner with the ADHD, get to understand the ins and outs of your specific ADHD.  “Right size” your expectations to fit where you are in the treatment optimization process.  Over time, you can – and should!- learn skills to help you perform reliably.  In the meantime, don’t torture yourself with unrealistic expectations.  Talk with your partner about your specific plans, goals and expectations as you set them so you are both on the same page.

My Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar started... but it's not too late to join in.  Learn more and Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Once you have learned just how much adult ADHD can impact your relationship I think you have actually got two relationships.  The ‘old’ one and the ‘new’ one you are building.  The old relationship included under-managed or undiagnosed ADHD and all of the symptoms and responses that go with it.  You grew to struggle, but you did the best you could do given the information you had – responding in very human and understandable ways to the pressures that ADHD – and responses to ADHD – encouraged.

But the new relationship – the one you’re in once the two of you genuinely start to work on your ADHD-influenced interactions – that one can be so much better!  You can be better equipped – with knowledge, strategies, forgiveness, treatment and so much more – and you can do better.

Take each day and make it the best, warmest, most reliable, most patient, happiest day you can….using the strategies you are learning about how to thrive with ADHD.  Then string a series together…now that you both ‘know better’ you can and ‘do better.’

Want to do better?   ... (who doesn't?!) MY LIVE ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar has helped hundreds of couples 'do better'. Don't delay, it starts NEXT WEEK on TUESDAY October 10th. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts October 10, 2017!

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the things that attracted me to my husband was how much energy he has.  He is truly alive – thinking all the time, enjoying his life, open to doing new things, ready to jump!

This sounds like many ADHD adults, and one of the things that saddens me is when the trials and troubles of life start to extinguish their fire.  There are lots of ‘good reasons’ this happens, most of which have to do with ‘settling down’ and ‘acting like an adult’ -  AKA ‘being more responsible.’  Being RELIABLE makes a good partner, to be sure, but this can be done poorly.  Too much attention to being responsible is like putting a wet blanket on your life.  If you always choose to do the chore because you must, then days, months, even years pass without the fuel that passions can provide.

Non-ADHD partners – overwhelmed with too much to do, also suffer greatly from becoming ‘too responsible.’  I know I sure did!

The most successful adults – ADHD or not – are those who let some fire and passion into their lives.  They are purpose driven and eager.  Open to new ideas.  Willing to explore.  They save at least some time to ‘play’ with things and ideas that are important to them.  I’m lucky – my work is a passion.  I also ‘play’ with music, bike riding, and life-long learning.

How about you?  Do you have enough ‘play’ in your life to feel fulfilled?  I’m not advocating all play and no work (as you might well end up out on the street!) but a balance.  As Thoreau asks…how alive are you?

No more procrastinating.... My life-changing ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts October 10th!  This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Register Now. Questions? Contact Melissa. "Thank you for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The ADHD mind wanders…a lot!  It comes upon something interesting and off it goes, exploring it!  And conversations often meander, too.  I had one man with ADHD tell me that he ‘liked to talk about things in the same way that a movie unfolds – with overlapping plot lines.’  His ‘straight-line-from-point-A-to-point-B’ wife was completely fed up!

Having a mind (and conversational style) that meanders takes time.  It doesn’t arrive at its landing point in the fastest possible way.  Yet wandering is not an indication that the person is broken or doesn’t have a valid point of view.  It’s just stylistic.  Furthermore, that meandering can bring really interesting ideas…if you only have the patience to follow the journey.

Note to non-ADHD partners:  it’s my experience that non-ADHD partners may not understand WHY the ideas brought in by mental exploration and meandering are interesting at the time…in my own case, my own desire to ‘get things done so I could move on’ (i.e. impatience) got in the way of appreciating the twists and turns of my ADHD family members’ minds.  It was not until my kids were a bit older and I could start to slow down more that I could enjoy these ‘journeys’ with my family members more.

So here’s the kicker.  If you slow down and learn to enjoy the journey simply because your partner is taking you on it, three things can happen:  your partner starts to open up to you more often; your partner starts to feel more appreciated and happy; and you actually start to enjoy yourself because you and your partner are sharing more deeply.  You become more connected.

Intrigued?  What could you start doing to ‘enjoy the journey’ more?

Melissa's 8-week couples seminar starts October 10th!   6 Reasons to Consider my Seminar

Upcoming workshops: London 9/24; DC 10/21; Atlanta 11/11  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins October 10th.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was reading about research interviews recently conducted with couples who had been married many decades.  Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist, and author of 30 Lessons for Loving, noted “Everybody – 100% - said at one point that the long marriage was the best thing in their lives.  But all of them also either said that marriage is hard, or that it’s really, really hard.”

This sure aligns with my own experience, as well as the broader array of marriage research.  We are taught to believe that great feelings and a happy marriage should be ‘easy’ and just come.  That aligns with many courtship experiences and sells magazines, but doesn’t align with reality.  The reality is that long-term, about 3% of couples end up staying in that romantic fairyland that we think is the ‘norm’ we somehow have missed.

Nope.  A good marriage is really hard work!  Are your expectations based in reality?

Melissa's 8-week couples seminar starts October 10th - register here!

Non-ADHD support/coaching group begins 9/14 - a great way to grow

Upcoming Events include DC 10/21 workshop on anger and ADHD - get personal help; London 9/24 workshop on anger and ADHD

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts October 10th.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

If I write the “S” word in this tip your spam filter won’t send this to you, but you know what I mean by ‘relations in bed,’ right?!

A lot of you are having real trouble with S.  That’s not a surprise, it’s one of the first things affected when you start to struggle, as there are so many psychological and physical factors that go into having a happy S life.

Common ones that I’ve encountered in my counseling:

One or both partners is too angry

One partner is unconsciously ‘punishing’ the other by withholding S

Non-ADHD partners feel S is the only time the ADHD partner pays attention and resents that (solution – improve symptoms to be less distracted at other times!)

A ‘controlling’ or anxious partner is too directive in general and also in the bedroom, upping the pressure on the S life

Partners haven’t had S for a long time and don’t know how to ‘restart’ – it feels overwhelming

If you are experiencing any of these you are certainly not alone!  And, I’m here to tell you that you can get it back!  First you have to improve the context of your relationship – calming things and learning more about each other…that’s what happens at my site adhdmarriage.com.

But after that, I urge couples to find a time that feels ‘okay enough’ and then stop worrying about performance, and just explore and have fun.  Don’t wait until you ‘know’ you can have that fun…that time may never come.  (Women – are you listening?!)  It feels risky…but setting your goal as ‘exploring my partner’ rather than more than that can help you get started again sooner and enjoy it more.

So…talk about this (don’t expect your partner to read your mind in this important area!)…and off you go!

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to improve your 'S life'? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. It starts October 3rd. Register here.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.