Weekly Marriage Tips

Many couples impacted by ADHD complain about no longer being close.  And as with Shandling’s humorous quote, they often blame their partner for this.   I would posit, after having worked with many couples, that both partners contribute to the problem.  Bear with me here…

Yes, ADHD can get in the way.  Those with ADHD are often ‘inwardly focused’, meaning that it takes lots of energy to organize that very active brain of theirs, and that work is largely ‘internal’, as well as largely invisible to their partner.  Further, some with ADHD who head towards the autism side of things, have genuine difficulty making connections – not because they wouldn't want to, but because it’s hard for them to interpret and act on social cues.  

And then there are non-ADHD partners. I can’t tell you how often I hear some version of “I just can’t interact with my partner any more.  I’m too angry/frustrated/hurt/sad…”  Yet deciding not to interact leads inevitably to disconnection.

If you are feeling disconnected, you are both struggling, and I get that.  But you can’t be more intimate if you don’t at least try to connect.  That usually means both managing ADHD distractibility and addressing anger issues so you can make an extra effort to connect around positive things.

One little exercise that helped my husband and I reconnect was both of us writing down “50 things that I like.”  Write 50 sentences starting with the words “I like…”  They don’t all have to be about your partner or relationship.  One of mine, for example, was “I like the sound of the rain on the roof.”  (Hilariously, my husband wrote the same thing!)  But some will inevitably be about your partner and that will feel good to you both.

At the end of the exercise, my husband’s comment was “Huh.  I guess we have a lot more in common than I was thinking we do.”

Need a little help getting back the closeness you once shared? My Recovering Intimacy self study course was created to bring couples together again. We recommend that struggling couples who have not done so take The ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples Tele-Seminar first in order to calm your relationship. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins September 26, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I have a friend who has become a serious marathon runner.  She trains seriously, and shares inspirational photos of her training journey on Instagram.  She’s also an artist, so her photographs are also beautiful representations of the human body.

It is inspiring to watch her journey, and her words about giving up power ring true to me.  We don’t always get to choose our destiny – health issues come to mind – but we do get to choose how we respond to our destiny.  Will we remain open and receptive to new ideas, be flexible in our thinking, and seek to create the best with what we have?  Or will we escape, close down, and run from our troubles?

This is an intensely relevant question when dealing with ADHD in relationships.  The nature of ADHD – chronic distraction; difficulty engaging reliably; trouble following through; memory issues; emotional lability – these all hit at the heart of what relationships are all about.  And yet…adults with ADHD are more than just their ADHD.  They are also often compassionate; warm; joyfully in the moment, and more.

It saddens me when I see ADHD adults give up their power after years of battering from a world that has difficulty interpreting their actions.  I’m not advocating simply saying ‘take me as I am’ and ignoring the basic needs of those around them for solid management of their ADHD symptoms.  But I am suggesting that staying engaged and choosing to direct their own lives, rather than retreat, can create a life of joy.

Do you have ADHD?  If so, what are you doing as captain of your own ship?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and/or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The Live session starts September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Nope – it’s not that simple.  Sometimes real love dies even when both partners are trying really hard.  And maybe no one screwed up.  I’ve seen couples: grow apart; be unable to manage the stresses and surprises of being parents; be crippled by financial stress; give in to family of origin pressure; succumb to ADHD symptoms and responses to symptoms.

Their inability to stay together wasn’t a screw up.  And it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other.  Sometimes, like in the case of many with ADHD issues, they had a problem and didn’t know about the tools that could help them overcome the stressors and hopelessness they felt.

Don’t let lack of knowledge contribute to the demise of your relationship if ADHD is a factor in your struggles.  My adhdmarriage.com website has many great resources and information to support you…and I’m always available for questions.  You don’t need to do this alone.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship Seminar - both start September 2018. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

My husband’s affair partner once told him they were soul mates.  When I asked him if he concurred, he replied “That’s what she thinks.”  It made me think about the concept of soul mates and I ended up in a place very much like Chapman’s.

In my opinion, the idea that someone is ‘perfect’ for us just by being themselves, is a myth.  In the case of this affair partner, perhaps a myth placed on top of a fantasy, to justify trying to steal someone else’s husband.  It assumes a ‘happily ever after’ just by being together.  That’s just not how healthy, joyous relationships work.  Marriage research shows clearly that euphoric feelings lessen for 97% of couples after the dopamine of infatuation wears off (at between 24 – 28 months into the relationship.)  And then it becomes about overtly nurturing your connections. 

In relationships impacted by ADHD, this nurturing typically has to be even more thought through – schedule time to be together, don’t just assume it will happen (too much distraction for that!)  Make sure to keep doing new and challenging things together to connect.  Work hard to optimize ADHD treatment so that inconsistency doesn’t hurt your relationship.  Avoid falling into parent/child dynamics at all costs (this takes work by both parties!)

But with all that – you may be able to end up saying, as my husband and I do, we are with just the right person.  Is that a soul mate?  Nah, but I don’t feel I need a label beyond ‘really, really happy.’  And both of us plan on doing the work to keep it that way.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar or my Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship teleseminar - both start September 2018. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Starts September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I don’t agree with this fortune cookie because it diminishes the emotional pain of being wronged.  But I do hate grudges.  And I see them all the time.

As I see it, when you are wronged you have a choice to make – to experience your pain and decide what to do with it in a good way, or to hold the pain dear and turn it into a grudge.  In the first case in order to ‘let go’ of that pain you must allow it to inhabit you enough so that it can work through you in all of the phases of healing – which might include feeling anger, regret, perhaps bargaining, and depression.  But as you allow these feelings to happen, you let the pain ‘flow’ through you to a resolution or acceptance.  You might well never ‘forget’ it, but it won’t control your life.

When you ‘continue to remember it’ in the form of a grudge (implied by the fortune) you are doing something else altogether.  You are holding that pain inside you, ruminating about the unfairness of it, allowing it to grow and poison you.

Do you hold onto your pain in a way that hurts you more than it hurts others?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and my Diminishing Anger workshop. Both start in September.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session starts in September

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’ve had one affair, and my husband has had two.  I’m not proud of this, but I share it with couples because it’s important to understand that this can happen, and you can recover.

In all three instances the reason for the affair was this – the person who went outside the marriage no longer felt loved or lovable and could see no way to change that.  We had tried to talk with our partner about our feelings and were shut down by vicious attack and lack of empathy.  The intense fantasy and infatuation of the affair served to rebuild our sense of being lovable.

I’m not here to justify the affairs – in fact I can say without a doubt that this is one of the worst possible things you can do to yourself and to your marriage.  If you’re contemplating this, or feeling unlovable, seek couples counseling and get your feelings out.  DON’T go the affair route.

But let me focus on the other side of Rogers’ quote, ‘the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know they’re loved and capable of loving.’  Compassion, generosity of spirit, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, encouraging them to love by example…these are the gifts you can give your partner and yourself.  It can be hard to find this after years of struggle – particularly if your partner is regularly angry and/or hurtful.

But don’t give up.  In interactions with your partner, ask yourself these questions – ‘how can I be kind?’ and ‘how can I show my partner s/he is loved?’

If either of us had been doing that at the time, none of the affairs would have happened.

I comment on "regularly angry and/or hurtful" interactions in this post ... Need help with this? Registration for the Fall session of Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship is OPEN. Class size is limited, so don't delay. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’m not even sure I need to write much about this quote because it is so obviously relevant to the ADHD adult’s experience.  Find your place of genius, whatever it is, and encourage others to not judge you only on your ability to be on time or finish the next task today.

You’re not stupid, but you do move differently in the world.

Registration for the September session of Diminishing Anger in Your Relationship is OPEN. Class size is limited, so don't delay.. Learn More

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. Next live session begins in September.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Whether you have ADHD or not, if you’re struggling in your relationship chances are pretty good that you feel overwhelmed by the challenges ahead of you.  And the human response to overwhelm is typically to ‘freeze.’  It feels impossible (or perhaps hopeless) to move ahead.

So don’t think about the ‘huge’ project ahead of you.  Think about one small thing you can do today, that could make your own life better.  Focus on you, not your partner.  Perhaps that’s self-care – investigating local area yoga classes so you might try one next week.  Perhaps that’s writing an email to your partner to say you’re sorry about something that just happened in just the right words.  Maybe it’s making that doctor’s appointment you’ve been dreading.

In themselves, these are small things.  But any are the first step on the larger journey to healing.  And tomorrow, you can take another small step.

What step will you take today?

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants Ask advice from me and other past participants. Signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. Starting MONDAY, 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins September 25.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Do you feel heard and seen in your relationship?  If not, I’ve got a simple, but very effective routine for you and your partner.  I call it my ‘See and Be Seen’ exercise and it goes like this:

Pick a time each day to spend 5-10 minutes asking and answering the three questions below.  Set an alarm as you get going so you can make it a routine and do it every day.

1. Tell your partner something you appreciate about who s/he is or what s/he did THAT DAY

2. Ask your partner ‘what’s the most interesting or significant emotion you experienced today?’  (Don’t judge or rebut…just listen to the response and get to know your partner’s experience better)

3. Tell your partner something you appreciate about him/her IN GENERAL

Reverse roles.

Simple, but effective.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants  Need a refresher? My 6 month live check-in helps you and your partner freshen up your relationship. Starting Mondays, 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live series starts September 2018.  

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Sometimes I hear ADHD people claim that they will never be a good partner because of their ADHD.  This lack of hope and insight always saddens me, for the vast majority of adults with ADHD can manage that ADHD really well when they optimize their treatment.  And then it becomes not about ADHD, but about partnership.

Parent/child dynamics can interfere in ADHD-impacted relationships making it impossible to be partners.  But this isn’t about ADHD – it’s about ADHD AND responses to ADHD.  It’s about misinterpretation of symptoms, and poor coping strategies being used by both partners.  When full blown, parent/child interactions create both enslavement and war.  Horrible!

Rebalancing the power in relationships is what getting rid of parenting and child-like behaviors is all about.  ‘Parents’ learn to stop believing that ‘pushing’ and ‘dictating’ are the best way to get things done while ‘child-like’ ADHD partners stop giving up their autonomy and power to another…taking responsibility for being reliable enough in the relationship.  It is then that partners can negotiate – on equal terms – the give and take of a genuine partnership.

If you’re experiencing parent/child dynamics, it’s time to figure out how to move beyond this enslavement.  Consider taking my couples seminar, The ADHD Effect In-Depth, for help.

NEW! Monthly check-ins for past seminar participants .. Has it been a while since you took my course? Consider registering for my 6 month live check-in. Ask advice from me and other past participants. Signup for a specific time slot so you don't have to attend the whole call. STARTING AT 7:30pm EASTERN TIME, June 4 - learn more. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in September 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.