Weekly Marriage Tips

I was talking with a therapist one time about the pain both my husband and I had been experiencing and trying to work through.  It was a difficult time for us, and I was struggling to understand my husband’s response to therapy, about which he definitely had ambivalent feelings.  I found this therapist’s words reassuring.  “I don’t know how this will go, but I hope that your husband will choose to engage with this pain because if he does, he has the opportunity to really grow.”

I didn’t have any control over whether or not my husband would take on that challenge, of course.  But just knowing that something good and long-lasting could come out of this difficult period gave me courage.

Life does have inevitable ups and downs.  I urge you to think of them as an opportunity to gain wisdom and direction.

Starting March 28th - Are you ready to learn how to manage ADHD in your relationship so you can thrive?  If so, it's time to register for my couple's seminar, given by conference call.  Don't miss this chance to turn your relationship around. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is research and more research about the importance of connecting with others in order to stay mentally healthy.  So much so, in fact, that Dr. Ned Hallowell calls connection “the other Vitamin C.”

Yet struggling in your marriage can make you feel (and sometimes actually be) really isolated.  If this is the case for you, I’m asking you to make a New Year’s resolution to reconnect.  You will be the better for it.

That might be connecting with others with similar issues – through my support groups (starting in January); couples seminar (next session starting Jan 18) or in the forum.  Or it might be connecting more often with friends, family or to each other in counseling.  Or to people you have yet to meet in an exercise class or meditation circle.

Just don’t do this alone!!!

Why not start thinking right now about how you might better connect?

P.S.  Couples who wish to take my 8 week couples seminar given by conference call can get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration.  If you have questions about the course, please contact me.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar, which starts January 18, 2017, has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The Wright brothers were talking about mechanical power in this quote, but the analogy is still relevant.  When ADHD is part of the story there are two types of knowledge you absolutely need - about ADHD and how it impacts relationships…and about each other.  The former can be obtained at my site, though my blog posts, my couples’ seminar, my books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD), and the forum.  The latter is a bit harder to come by.

Partners often assume they ‘know’ their partner’s motivations, when in fact their assumptions are often wildly incorrect.  Most often, they have no idea that this is the case.  I remember how surprised I was when my husband and I finally started talking about how we came to our various conclusions.  His way of thinking is completely foreign to me – though no less valid because of it.  With our differences, we didn’t learn the skills needed to have helpful conversations for years.  Before that we talked ‘at’ each other, and couldn’t figure out why we both still felt so unheard after all that talk.  That’s a shame, because we could have repaired our relationship sooner if we had known a more constructive way to communicate!

Learning Conversations and Conflict Intimacy skills can go a long way to solving this problem.  Like any skill set, they need to be practiced.  If you want to learn more about both (as well as a lot of other things that can help you radically alter your relationship for the better) consider my upcoming couples tele-seminar that starts January 18, 2017.  

I’m offering marriage tip readers a discount of $25 off the price of the seminar.  Just use the code Tips17 and click “apply” when you register.  If you have questions about the seminar, please contact me.

Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017 and register for my life-changing Jan/Feb couples tele-seminar.  In the words of one participant: "Your class has brought a bright ray of hope to our marriage."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Too many partners, and particularly ADHD partners in my observation, look to someone else to help them feel good about themselves.  This is a mistake!  Instead, when you seek change within yourself (for example, learning to become more organized or patient) remember that the person who benefits the most is yourself.  In fact, a great way to think about it is that you create these changes because they will improve your life forever moving forward. 

Greater organization makes your life easier in every aspect (even as it takes effort to stay organized.)  Being organized frees up time to focus on what you really want to do because you don’t waste time looking for keys or re-doing a project you lost track of.  Becoming more patient probably strengthens your relationships, plus you don’t have to spend extra time patching up misunderstandings and hard feelings.

We all can improve how we are in the world…but make sure that when you do so, the only person from whom you seek approval is yourself!

Distrust, Anger, Frustration.... can turn into Hope, Joy and Intimacy. Next LIVE ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar begins March 28th.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next live session begins March 28th.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

You may have seen Cory Richards’ face on the cover of National Geographic Magazine covered in ice and snow.  He took the pictures moments after he had been buried in an avalanche that, as it happened, left his head above the snow.  He thought he was going to die that day.  He is also famous for summiting Mt. Everest with no oxygen support.  The man has guts!

He also has wisdom.  And when I heard him talk about research that highlights the relationship between tolerance and happiness in a lecture this summer it really hit home as being so, so true.

So much so, that I think I don’t actually need to write anything else for this tip.  You know what I want you to think about!

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts March 28th. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

A couple of summers ago I took one meditation session with Subagh Singh Khalsa, then had to stop because I was too busy.  (The irony of this is not lost on me!)  But his words about expressing love and being mindful in the present moment really moved me.

His words above outline one of the key challenges for couples impacted by ADHD – if love is the capacity of a person to be fully present with another…and ADHD is often about distraction, or not being fully present, how do each of you adequately communicate your love in a way that your partner can ‘hear’?

My answer to that is to learn that the distraction of ADHD is not personal, but that it is hurtful if left unchecked.  ADHD partners must take responsibility for this dynamic and learn how to create enough pockets of intentional and full focus on their partner so that the partner feels loved.  AND, non-ADHD partners need to learn that any particular moment of distraction doesn’t mean ‘I don’t love you…’ it means ‘I’m distracted at the moment.’  Non-ADHD partners feel better loved when they can be flexible and empathetic about distraction while ADHD partners ALSO create enough ‘attend time’ that the halo of this attention lasts through periods of distraction.

Typically this means scheduling time to attend to each other (clearing your lives of all other distractions for blocks of time); pursuing shared hobbies and passions together; creating small but meaningful (and repetitive) rituals with each other; and learning ‘conflict intimacy’ skills (see my Recovering Intimacy course for this one – it’s too long to explain here!)

Can you shore up these elements in your relationship?

Lost those loving feelings? Want them back? My next Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts March 28th. Register here.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. Next live course begins March 28th.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I talk with my clients about ‘attend time, which is time you spend with each other that clearly demonstrates your love for your partner.  Habits and rituals can be a nice part of this.  My husband and I have a very affectionate ongoing banter around my bringing him coffee in the morning – every morning that he is home and sometimes when we are traveling, as well.  I hand him his coffee, and we tell each other we love each other.  It’s a far better way to start each day than ignoring each other in the kitchen or complaining, I can tell you!

Other rituals that I’ve seen matter – holding a door open; making car or plane reservations for a partner whenever they are needed; walking the dogs together every morning to start the day and chat; sharing a cocktail before dinner…You get the idea.

What are your rituals that make you feel like a couple?  If you don’t have one, or you think you might but aren’t sure your partner sees it the same way, consider making one official.  Then celebrate it.  This will only bring you closer.

Next LIVE ADHD Effect Seminar Begins March 28 - Take advantage of the timing - the next one won't be until the fall. Make this the best summer in years. Please register here. Questions? Contact me.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship, starts March 28.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Opening up to the present moment is something at which I didn’t used to be very good.  Instead, I dreamed, planned, and sometimes, worried.  I brooded over what I had already done and how I might improve upon it.  

Those things aren’t bad on their own – in fact, they can be a useful tool for learning.  But over the years I have taught myself to also be able to savor each day.  This was partially out of self-defense.  Two members of the household with ADHD lived mostly in the present.  To not have that skill when I needed it put me at a disadvantage.  Having cancer also helped.  When you face something that big, you realize that a lot of what we worry about isn’t really worth the effort.  (Everyone who has had cancer says this – and yet the rest of the world continues to worry, worry, worry.)

So now, I live my life with a spirit of adventure.  Opening up to what is around me – savoring it, and being grateful for what is there right then.  Think of it as an expanded vocabulary – I can still worry if I really need to…I just choose to be happy in the present as my default.  This shift in my attitude has had a marvelous effect on my marriage and my husband.

To enjoy the present moment more, consider starting a gratitude journal.  Leave it by your bedside and write three sentences each day starting with the words “I am grateful for…”  It’s a great way to spend just a bit more time thinking about your present moment.

It's Not Too Late - My next live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts TONIGHT - January 18th AT 8:30PM ET! Register here. Each session is recorded, so if you miss this one or live overseas, you can easily stay caught up.  

Don't miss this opportunity to give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I suspect your life, like mine, has included some very unexpected twists.  While I don’t believe in any divine purpose (at least not for me individually) I am satisfied that my life is taking me to a place I needed to be.  I am grateful for so much that I have had and experienced – wonderful family, great adventures…and also deep pain, health issues – ALL of it has combined to make me strong and ready to help others.

My husband and I both look back on our struggles and think that while it was really very ugly at times, we are both lucky.  And, we got to our era of happiness together – in spite of times when that seemed as if it would be impossible.  As a friend recently said, ‘what a great life you’ve crafted together!’

‘Crafted’ is a good word.  It took lots of effort on both our parts, in order to get ourselves to a place we wanted to be.  Often, that effort was sheer will of behaving as our ‘best selves’ even when we wanted to hurdle a brick at our partner’s head.

Have you grabbed the twists and turns of your life to craft the life you want?  Contributing your ‘best self’ to your relationship to get where you need to be?

Starting NEXT WEDNESDAY Jan 18th! Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017. In exactly ONE week - my live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts!

Get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration.  Questions? On the fence? Please contact me.

"We learned more from you in 1 session than all the others in ongoing [$$$] therapy.  You have crossed our paths at a very necessary time in our lives." Read testimonials here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Some of the most exhilarating moments of our lives are when we are also vulnerable – that first declaration of love, for example…or bringing home that really, really tiny first baby as a newly minted parent.  We remember these moments precisely because they are, as Brown suggests, moments of intense emotions.

Struggling couples often make themselves less vulnerable to avoid pain.  But in so doing, they also box off their ability to feel the intense positive feelings that can come with putting ourselves out into a new place in the world.  We risk shutting down and becoming flat…or simply miserable.

Go ahead – reach out.  Make yourself vulnerable and available to all of the life that is happening around you.  You might do that outside your relationship, or with your partner…with the help of a therapist if you are ‘stuck.’  But don’t hide.  You will miss out on life if you do.

My next live 8 week couples seminar - given by conference call - starts January 18th! Don't miss this opportunity to give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017.

Regular readers - get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration.  If you have questions about the course, please contact me.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar, which starts January 18, 2017, has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.