Weekly Marriage Tips

Disconnecting from a partner in order to avoid painful interactions is a classic way to deal with pain.  If we don’t experience those painful interactions we can convince ourselves that the pain isn’t really there or, at least, get away with ignoring it.

Sadly, this is one of the worst coping mechanisms we have for dealing with pain and conflict.  Because it just continues to exist and grow inside us, while the origin of the pain never gets addressed.

The only way to get out of this cycle is to re-engage…with your partner, a counselor, yourself (through journaling or some other way to explore that pain) so that you can start to deal with the underlying issues that cause it.

But there are effective ways to re-engage, and ineffective.  Chances are good, if you or your partner is currently disengaged, that you’ve been using ineffective methods, such as arguing, insisting you are right, critiquing your partner to get him or her to ‘do better,’ controlling your partner to try to make things ‘right’ and more.

How to engage effectively can be learned by anyone, though the process is too multi-faceted to fit into a tip.  My request here is simply this – if you are currently disconnected from your partner, please know that this is not a sustainable way to have a happy relationship and seek the assistance you need to re-engage.  If you need ideas about how to do that in your specific situation, feel free to contact me.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starting October 3rd. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One woman whom I respect greatly tried to convince me that being forthright was her way, and speaking the truth as it came to mind was fine no matter how much it hurt.  My husband (when he was angry) used to do this, too.  I called it ‘the truth at all costs.’  It felt like a weapon, yielded to bludgeon me into submission.

The reality is that there are lots of ways to speak the truth, and they don’t all hurt.  And in healthy relationships you actively seek to find ways to be honest with your partner that are constructive, not destructive.  You may be a blunt and honest person, but you don’t have to hurt your partner in service of this habit…for it is a habit, not a core personality trait.  

Speaking honestly and well means being aware of your partner’s trigger points and avoiding setting them off.  That means using kind words, even if they are strong, rather than spiteful words. That means using soft starts and talking about your own feelings, rather than critiquing your partner’s actions.

And it means listening to your partner’s differing point of view and considering it fully.  Listening and considering is a critical part of being honest with another.

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was struck by this quote because it hits at the heart of why many people in chronically struggling relationships seek affairs.  It’s not about disliking their partner.  It’s about having a hole in your feelings about yourself.  By providing adoration without strings attached, affair partners may help adults recover their self-esteem and sense of self.

This was the case in the affairs in my own relationship – both my husband and I reached out to others when we simply couldn’t find any other way to feel ‘whole.’

Both ADHD and non-ADHD partners have affairs.  Finding out your partner is having one is simply crushing.  But for some couples, an affair can also be a wake up call in which the affair puts the need to look much more closely at the weaknesses in the primary relationship.  If you are up to the task, this necessary but painful process can provide an opportunity for significant growth.

That said, if you are contemplating an affair, I recommend that you first talk with a counselor and explore how you have lost yourself in your relationship and how you might uncover the ‘new self’ you seek without the pain and trauma of an affair. 

I can say, without a doubt, that finding out about my husband’s affair(s) has been the singly most painful experience of my life.  Now that I’ve been on both sides I would never, ever, impose that pain on another.  So please know that I am NOT suggesting you consider having an affair as a way to change your relationship.  Only that if faced with one, it’s possible that growth can occur.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live course begins October 3rd, and the self-study version is available anytime.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Research in psychology and behavioral science clearly shows us that how we think about our situation – and our future – impacts what happens next.  In fact, fMRI scans demonstrate that our outlooks impact the actual wiring of our brains.  When we practice mindfulness, for example, the parts of our brain that reinforce the positive and optimism become stronger.

In relationships impacted by ADHD, thinking you can or can’t is critically important.  If you convince yourself that past struggles will always continue because that’s been the pattern in the past (before you knew how to handle ADHD and responses to ADHD) then little progress will be made.  Every positive change will be discounted as an aberration, rather than as a move towards a brighter, and better, future.  Eventually, the idea that ‘we can’t do this’ will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Instead, choose to stay open to the positive.  Non-ADHD partners do best when they learn to say ‘thank you’ and ‘I noticed that!’  ADHD partners thrive when they think “I may have fallen short of my goal right now, but I CAN do this!” Celebrate small victories, and don’t interpret the inevitable stumbles as an indication that change is impossible.

Yes, you can!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I'm Celebrating You

Mid 2017 marks the 10th anniversary of my website, www.ADHDmarriage.com.  As I was thinking about how to mark the occasion, it was immediately clear that what I wanted to celebrate was YOU.

It is the people who visit, who post, who read, who share their stories, who lurk, who learn, who change their lives...all of you...who make the website the great resource that it is for couples just learning about ADHD.

So I am celebrating by providing a better website experience for you all, and sharing a video about three couples who thought they wouldn't make it, but turned their lives around.  They are like you.  This is my homage to the work that you all do to better your relationships.  It's about what is possible once you learn about how ADHD impacts relationships.

I invite you to visit the updated (mobile friendly!!) site and to view my new video, Fall in Love Again: ADHD Couples Share their Stories, and to go into the forum to share your stories and your thoughts.

And, once again, THANK YOU!

Melissa Orlov

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins October 2017.

If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the differences between non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners is that the former tend to like to go from point A to point B in something that resembles a straight line.  People with ADHD rarely do this.  A few use planning things out in great detail as a way to keep their lives under control.

Yet for anyone who likes to ‘stay on track’ there is much to be gained by learning to savor the journey…celebrating and enjoying what happens along the way, rather than focusing on how it might take longer or upset your schedule.

Living in a straight line is efficient – something that Americans value greatly.  But it usually isn’t ‘deepening,’ and that is where a lot of the best parts of relationships lie.  When done right, saying ‘yes’ rather than ‘we don’t have time’ can create opportunities to enjoy together, to get to know each other better, to explore new places or ideas, or simply to smile.

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not suggesting you get to the emergency room in Boston by way of Des Moines.  There are times in your life when that straight line is absolutely necessary.  It’s just not as often as many non-ADHD partners think it is.

Can you find time to savor the journey this week?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Things not going your way?  It’s easy to fall into patterns that sew discord, animosity and unequal status in the world around you.  (And, yes, I’m talking about both our national conversation and your relationship conversation here!)

But President Obama has it right.  We need to be constantly vigilant in our pursuit of kindness, tolerance, fairness and kindness –and the best place to start is at home.  One of the ways I do this is when I’m feeling cranky or put off I ask myself a question, ‘what would the kind response be?’  It’s a simple, and very effective way to keep what’s important front and center in my relationship.

I’ve been using this strategy in my relationship for a couple of years now and was delighted the other day when I asked my husband ‘what do you love about me?’  (Okay, I was fishing for positive reinforcement, I admit it!)  His response was ‘you’re a really kind person.’  It’s the first time he has ever used that word to describe me in the 29 years we’ve known each other, and I LIKE being thought of that way.

Challenge yourself to be vigilant.  You’ll like the results.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next live session begins in October.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

What makes you happy?’ I recently asked my husband.  ‘Seeing you smile’ was his response.  You can look at the research on why this happens, and how strong is the impact of a smile.  Or, you can just remember.  Have you ever been made to feel worse when you saw someone you cared about smile in genuine happiness?  Didn’t think so!

So what happens if you search for reasons to smile?  If you say to yourself I will find something that makes me happy today, and show it?  I remember that when I felt hopeless finding those smiles was HARD!  But when I did, I always felt better.  And so did my family.  My smile was a gift to others.

Seek out reasons to smile.  Then share those with your partner – even if you’re not feeling as if your relationship overall is feeling wonderful.  Your efforts will soften up your life, and make it a bit easier to keep going.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next live session starts October 2017.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Pain is part of life.  In my own life, much of that pain (though certainly not all) has come from trying to figure out how to live with the unexpected hitchhiker in my relationship – ADHD.  At this point I’ve worked with a whole lot of couples doing the same thing and one thing is abundantly clear.  You cannot move away from suffering this pain unless you engage with it.  Confront the ADHD in yourself or your partner.  Accept that it’s there, and allow it to teach you.

What can that pain teach?  Compassion.  Love.  Understanding.  Resilience.  Your power to affect change in challenging circumstances.  That together you can be triumphant.

In order to move away from pain and stop suffering, you have to move all the way through the pain cycle, which has several steps.  Or, you can choose to avoid pain and disengage or retreat.  If you do this latter, you will continue in your suffering, for what’s causing the pain will likely not go away.  Even divorce, which can eliminate the issues a specific partner brings to the relationship, doesn’t fully address the pain.  I have yet to meet a person who wouldn’t have preferred to be happily married to a past partner instead of divorced.

Can you be brave enough to engage with your pain, and take the steps you yourself need to take to start to work through it?

Speaking of preferring to be happily married....  have you watched my video on couples who share their stories? They want you to know that you really can turn things around, even if you can’t imagine it now.  They were all struggling, just like you.  All wondering if they could actually make it....   

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

- online treatment overview;

- downloadable chapters of my books;

- a community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

- a large number of blog posts on various topics;

- referrals

Plus my very popular couples course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn their relationships around. The next live course begins in October, 2017.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Labels are handy and we use them all the time to quickly sort through lots of information.  ADHD is one of those labels – it tells you, quickly, about how a person has a certain way of being in the world, with definable behaviors such as chronic distractions.

Yet a person is not their ADHD.  And this is where the label falls very short.  Simone Biles may be an exceptional athlete…but that is what she DOES.  Who she IS…that’s all Simone.  An ADHD partner does certain things when ADHD is undiagnosed or under-treated.  They can do different things when they’ve optimized treatment.  But who they are?  That’s up to them.  Inside of all those symptomatic behaviors is a person – with qualities that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

When you struggle, that person can get obscured by your mutual focus on symptoms and behaviors.  You lose out, though, when you forget the core qualities that make you who you are.  Like Simone, I urge you to identify your core person inside, and celebrate who you are (or, who your partner is).

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

-   Online treatment overview;
-   Downloadable chapters of my books;
-   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;
-   A large number of blog posts on various topics;
-   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.