Weekly Marriage Tips

Transparency.  It’s critical when you are rebuilding a relationship, particularly after significant hurt.  I’ve learned this the hard way, while recovering from affairs in our relationship.  Inevitably when I didn’t know something about my husband’s situation with his past affair partner my imagination would fill in the blanks…and with a vengeance!  I would imagine things such as:  they had amazing sex; she was perfect for him; they never argued; they had a favorite song and my husband was playing it at home and secretly longing for her; they could live happily ever after…

Not ONE of those things turned out to be true.  I know this because instead of letting my imagination eat me from the inside out, I got the courage to ask.  The sex was fine, not amazing.  He didn’t want to build a life with her…he didn’t even want to live with her.  They did argue.  No, they didn’t have any songs at all.  No, it was clear their relationship wasn’t going to end in happily ever after…but ours is.

Imagination is great when you’re starting a new business.  It can be incredibly hurtful when it fills in, and feeds, your insecurities and worries for lack of other information.  So practice healthy conversational skills such as learning conversations, conflict intimacy and using verbal cues to develop healthy transparency in your relationship.  If you don’t know what those things are, consider taking my 8-week couple’s seminar, given by conference call.

Where do you need more transparency?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts October 3rd. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One of the saddest parts of struggling with ADHD in your relationship is that you both can feel powerless, when that’s very far from the truth.  I understand how you get there – the non-ADHD partner feels powerless in the face of ADHD inconsistency.  The ADHD partner can feel powerless in the face of non-ADHD partner anger and controlling behaviors.

But you can change that by giving power back to your partner.   For non-ADHD partners that means stepping away from parent/child dynamics and inviting ADHD partners to step up and have equal status in the relationship.  Stop taking on too much or stepping in all the time so that ADHD partners can gain the power they deserve.  Replace anger with empathy.

ADHD partners can give power back to non-ADHD partners by acknowledging that ADHD is impacting them, and by optimizing their treatment for greater reliability.  This makes it easier for non-ADHD partners to feel safe and loved in the relationship and allows them to lighten up.

Is it ironic that the fastest path to regaining your sense of self in your relationship is to exercise your own power by giving power back to your partner?

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins October 2017.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Do you think big?  That’s a good thing, for sure.  BUT, when trying to reach your goals thinking about the really big thing you are trying to accomplish can feel overwhelming and confusing.  Instead, it can really help if you focus on what you need to do today.

This is particularly true if you have ADHD or are living with someone with ADHD.  Because while big may feel beautiful, the ADHD mind lives in the ‘now.’  Which means that reaching goals is almost always a process of creating one really great day after another.  Non-ADHD partners who do not adopt this approach when trying to improve their relationship risk either losing their ADHD partner’s attention (boredom, distraction, or difficulty planning far into the future) or simply overwhelming their ADHD partner.

To make the most progress, focus on what YOU yourself can do TODAY to make your day – and your relationship – as good as possible.  Over time you and your partner will amass a whole lot of those days and your relationship will be that much closer to that happier ending.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next session begins in October, 2017.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I admit it.  I often work through things in my sleep.  It turns out this is common, as one of the things that our brain does is process while we sleep.  Unlike some, I tend to remember my dreams…and even if they are bizarre, which they often are, they feel very real.  Which used to create some real problems for my husband when we were struggling.  I might go to bed angry or frustrated, dream about something awful or crazy that he was doing to me in my sleep…and wake up feeling nasty towards him.

It became something of a joke between us.  “Okay, what did I do now?  What will I suffer for today?” When we started to joke about my dreams it became easier to remind myself that those awful actions signified something, but not that he had driven a bus into a tree and torched our family and the neighborhood…or whatever the bizarre action was that had happened.  I could step back and say ‘what am I working through here?’ without being pissed all day.

Do you ever wake up pissed at your partner?  If so, consider taking a moment to ‘unblame’ your partner for your dreams and reflect upon what you might need to constructively discuss, instead of carrying your hard feelings around all day.

We are pleased to announce our updated mobile-friendly website.  It looks very different, don't be surprised!  It is also MUCH easier to navigate. (Agree? Your feedback is always welcome). Plus, our new logo welcomes you to our second decade of helping ADHD relationships thrive!

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship. The next seminar will begin in October.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s almost inevitable that hitting rock bottom forces you to assess your life.  Who are you?  What do you want from your life?  Doyle discovered that she had been hiding behind her roles – mother, wife, writer.  Some hide behind roles such as ‘provider,’ ‘athlete’ or ‘person with (or without) ADHD.’

But that’s not the whole story – not even the best part of who you are.  For you are a person who is…(fill in the blank here) curious; happy; a deep thinker; an empath; loving; inventive; resilient…you get the idea.  We are not what we do.  We are not our label (ADHD or non)…we are something more.  Emotions.  Connection points.  A bundle of strengths.

Who are you underneath your roles and labels?  Who is your partner?

Do you feel like you are at Rock Bottom? My next live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar starts in October. If you can't wait that long, consider the self-study version.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I’m going to offend some non-ADHD partners here.  But this is worth saying.  Though you may think that you have to pick up all the pieces in your relationship in order for you both to survive, you actually don’t.  That’s a choice you are making.  In fact, taking on all of the responsibilities that your ADHD partner is having trouble with actually serves to extend your relationship problems.  It builds chronic resentment and anger, and doesn’t give the ADHD partner a reason to start managing the ADHD better.

So, rather than becoming a martyr (I know, I hate the phrase, too!) choose to constructively respond by saying ‘no’ where appropriate, and requesting that your partner figure out how to step up to take on his or her rightful responsibilities. Yes, that will be an extended conversation.  Yes, the ADHD partner will need lots of education and support.  But there are very few ADHD adults who can’t step up once they make up their minds to do so…and your stepping away from being a martyr will speed up that process of deciding to take it on.

What are you doing that’s not ‘yours’ that’s making you resentful?

P.S.  To be successful don’t just abdicate responsibilities by saying ‘here – they’re now yours!’  Instead, talk with your ADHD partner and plan together for a smooth transition.  Remember that ADHD partners need to have a good support structure in place for reminders and plans before they will succeed.  If this weren’t the case, they would already be doing whatever that project is.  And if they try yet again without that structure it’s a recipe for failure and discouragement…not in anyone’s interest!

A great place to start... if you haven’t read them, are my two books: The ADHD Effect on Marriage (now also on Audible) and The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Power struggles abound in relationships impacted by ADHD.  Non-ADHD partners seek to exert control of the chaos that having a partner with ADHD introduces into their lives.  ADHD partners bristle at being parented and overseen.  Both seek improved feelings of security.

That’s why I was so moved by this quote.  The way to move away from parent/child is to learn just how different the two of you are…and just how hard it is to be your partner.  It’s tough – really tough – living with ADHD day in and day out if you’re the one who has it.  And it’s also incredibly challenging to be a non-ADHD partner who is responsible for much more than s/he originally expected due to an ADHD partner’s struggles to get symptoms under control.

You both may feel abandoned, put upon, and sad.

Compassion for your partner is the way out of this.  By seeking to be compassionate, you start the process of rebuilding your relationship – providing space and inspiration for you both to do all the hard work that lies ahead.  It’s a far healthier – and more successful – path than choosing anger, resentment and conflict.

Are you actively seeking to be compassionate with your partner?

Did you join me last night for the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar? .... If not, it's NOT too late. You can access the recording (plus any future session you may miss) and join live the next seven sessions. Receive individualized attention and get your questions answered directly by me. Register here.....the next one won't be until the fall.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my highly acclaimed couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn their relationships around. It's available live or as a self-study course and is a unique resource for creating the joy you thought you had lost. Read testimonials here - it really does change lives for the better!
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I was talking with a therapist one time about the pain both my husband and I had been experiencing and trying to work through.  It was a difficult time for us, and I was struggling to understand my husband’s response to therapy, about which he definitely had ambivalent feelings.  I found this therapist’s words reassuring.  “I don’t know how this will go, but I hope that your husband will choose to engage with this pain because if he does, he has the opportunity to really grow.”

I didn’t have any control over whether or not my husband would take on that challenge, of course.  But just knowing that something good and long-lasting could come out of this difficult period gave me courage.

Life does have inevitable ups and downs.  I urge you to think of them as an opportunity to gain wisdom and direction.

Starting March 28th - Are you ready to learn how to manage ADHD in your relationship so you can thrive?  If so, it's time to register for my couple's seminar, given by conference call.  Don't miss this chance to turn your relationship around. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

There is research and more research about the importance of connecting with others in order to stay mentally healthy.  So much so, in fact, that Dr. Ned Hallowell calls connection “the other Vitamin C.”

Yet struggling in your marriage can make you feel (and sometimes actually be) really isolated.  If this is the case for you, I’m asking you to make a New Year’s resolution to reconnect.  You will be the better for it.

That might be connecting with others with similar issues – through my support groups (starting in January); couples seminar (next session starting Jan 18) or in the forum.  Or it might be connecting more often with friends, family or to each other in counseling.  Or to people you have yet to meet in an exercise class or meditation circle.

Just don’t do this alone!!!

Why not start thinking right now about how you might better connect?

P.S.  Couples who wish to take my 8 week couples seminar given by conference call can get $25 off by using the code TIPS17 and pressing “apply” at registration.  If you have questions about the course, please contact me.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar, which starts January 18, 2017, has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

The Wright brothers were talking about mechanical power in this quote, but the analogy is still relevant.  When ADHD is part of the story there are two types of knowledge you absolutely need - about ADHD and how it impacts relationships…and about each other.  The former can be obtained at my site, though my blog posts, my couples’ seminar, my books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD), and the forum.  The latter is a bit harder to come by.

Partners often assume they ‘know’ their partner’s motivations, when in fact their assumptions are often wildly incorrect.  Most often, they have no idea that this is the case.  I remember how surprised I was when my husband and I finally started talking about how we came to our various conclusions.  His way of thinking is completely foreign to me – though no less valid because of it.  With our differences, we didn’t learn the skills needed to have helpful conversations for years.  Before that we talked ‘at’ each other, and couldn’t figure out why we both still felt so unheard after all that talk.  That’s a shame, because we could have repaired our relationship sooner if we had known a more constructive way to communicate!

Learning Conversations and Conflict Intimacy skills can go a long way to solving this problem.  Like any skill set, they need to be practiced.  If you want to learn more about both (as well as a lot of other things that can help you radically alter your relationship for the better) consider my upcoming couples tele-seminar that starts January 18, 2017.  

I’m offering marriage tip readers a discount of $25 off the price of the seminar.  Just use the code Tips17 and click “apply” when you register.  If you have questions about the seminar, please contact me.

Give yourselves the gift of a more loving relationship for 2017 and register for my life-changing Jan/Feb couples tele-seminar.  In the words of one participant: "Your class has brought a bright ray of hope to our marriage."

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including: a free online treatment overview; free downloadable chapters of my books; a community forum with other couples facing similar issues; a large number of blog posts on various topics; referrals; and my very popular couples course:
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This highly acclaimed, eight-session phone seminar has helped many couples turn around their relationship.
 
If your relationship is in pretty good shape but you are looking to feel even closer, consider my self-study seminar Recovering Closeness in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question?  Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.