Weekly Marriage Tips

First…we all lie sometimes (even if we think we don’t!)  But many with ADHD develop a habit of cover-ups and lies as they move through childhood as a coping strategy for dealing with the embarrassment of not always being pulled together.  Covering up and pleasing the authority figure or peer who is depending upon you ‘feels’ better at the time than telling the truth and experiencing the wrath that may ensue.

The problem, however, is that over time this sets up a weakening of the brain that means that it becomes progressively harder to break the habit.  In my own household, I found that it has taken a great deal of work on MY part to create an atmosphere in which my husband felt safe to be honest with me and stop lying.  Our years of struggle didn’t help, as he was ‘trained’ to be easily triggered.

Why should I be partially responsible for helping my husband learn that honesty is the best policy? In our case, my husband simply got tired of fighting me…it was easier to ‘smooth things over’ and exit the scene than deal with me.  That makes me partially responsible for our situation.

Yep, it’s his lying and he’s responsible for fixing the issue.  But I (and you) can make it easier by creating a safe place to make mistakes and live with ADHD.

Honesty, safety, trust and lack of struggle... New Year's resolutions are dreams unless you take action: my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar and Tele-coaching groups for ADHD and non-ADHD adults start in January. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I agree with Davis – being who you are is great!  But…understand that this has ramifications in a relationship.  If you feel that it’s important to indulge your hair trigger anger and are regularly violent because you’ve ‘always been that way’, for example, you will have trouble sustaining a relationship.  You may be ‘you’ but you will be alone.

There are two versions of this ‘accept me as I am’ that I hear with ADHD couples that don’t work for me.  First, there is the ADHD partner who says ‘love me unconditionally and accept me as I am’ while taking little or no control of ADHD symptoms that make the partner’s life completely miserable.  Second, there is the non-ADHD partner who feels that controlling behaviors are justified due to chaos, and takes over everything…trampling others. (Yes, non-ADHD partners are going to think I have put that unkindly…but when you overperform in a relationship, this is what you are doing.)

Instead of the “I get to be who I get to be” attitude if you indulge in it, how about looking at what makes a good partner instead?  And, if you think that includes things like being respectful, affection, kind or level-headed…then the first place to start is with yourself.

We are all unique, and that’s part of what is great in life.  But unique is different from awful or hurtful.  Make sure you know the difference.

Are you a good partner? .... Join ADHD and Non-ADHD Tele-Support and Coaching groups starting in January. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Okay, I love this quote!  And, no, my husband and I don’t actually do this.  In fact, we both eat breakfast together while reading something…just to have a quiet start to our day.

But what Moyers is really saying is ‘find someone who will be interesting to you every day’ and on that front we do very well!  In fact, this is one of the places where I view my husband’s ADHD as a clear advantage – he is NEVER boring!  Our relationship has interesting twists and turns to it, and if it’s not him coming up with a new idea, it’s me…and he’s almost always ready to embrace it.  Why not?  For the eternally curious with ADHD, the world can be a place of limitless possibilities!

And, like Moyers, we respect each other’s ideas.  Oh yeah, we don’t always agree, and there is at least one topic we have set as off limits because we both fervently believe the exact opposite of the other.  It gets ugly!  But respect and interest is always there.  If we didn’t like to read at breakfast so much we could definitely have a lively conversation at any time.

What about you?  And if you’re not able to say this right now, is it simply because you’re too angry to engage?  What ARE your links?

No matter where you are in the world.... you can take my Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - starts in January. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

It’s easy to believe that if one is wronged by one’s partner, that ‘justifies’ anger or negative behavior back.  How many ADHD partners have told me “if my non-ADHD partner would just be nice to me, everything would be okay no matter how I behave?”  And how many non-ADHD partners have told me “I yell at my partner because that’s the only way to get his or her attention?”

Neither or those attitudes creates a strong relationship.  Instead, they serve to reinforce the negative opinions your partner might hold and let him or her off the hook for creating change.  “Why should I work so hard when my partner doesn’t budge?” is the thought process.

I am NOT EVER suggesting you or your partner should roll over and just live a life that is unfulfilling or even cruel.  You shouldn’t hide what you need.  Rather, I’m suggesting that there are destructive ways to respond to your partner and constructive.  ADHD partners can choose to hear their partner’s distress and respond by better managing difficult symptoms.  Non-ADHD partners can resist the temptation to yell to get attention, and instead touch a partner on the arm and provide enough time for the ADHD partner to transition attention from what s/he was doing to the task at hand.

How many times this week could you have made a more constructive response to your partner?

Both ADHD and Non ADHD partners - learn constructive responses in individual and couples telesupport coaching groups - beginning early January. Learn more here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session starts January 30, 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

I don’t love the fact that my life has been filled with so many obstacles, many of which were imposed both by the symptoms of ADHD and my unlearned (at the time) responses to those symptoms.  I’m guessing that whether or not you have ADHD, you wish your life weren’t so hard, too!

But I will say this – I am 100% convinced that it is precisely the struggles that my husband and I have had that has made us the strong people we are today.  In our different ways we have learned the power of compassion and empathy, the strength that comes from being true to ourselves while taking others into consideration, and how to truly love another without shaping that person.  Suffice it to say, while we were both good people, this is NOT where we started.

As you go through your own struggle, I urge you to ask yourself this question – what wisdom have I gained that I can celebrate?

Read how symptoms and responses fueled a couple's Thanksgiving fight here and celebrate YOUR hard-earned wisdom this Thanksgiving.  

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next Live Seminar starts January 30, 2018

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Roggli wouldn’t put it this way, but I will.  Non-ADHD partners have no clue how hard it can be to manage an ADHD brain!  Here are just a few descriptions from ADHD adults about what it’s like to have that mind:

• Like popcorn popping in my head all the time

• Like having 59 TVs blaring in my head all at once.

• Like having faulty windshield wipers on your car – sometimes you can see clearly, but often it’s a real blur

• Like having the Library of Congress in your head with no card catalogue.

These quotes speak to (in order) the speed, noisiness, inconsistency/obstruction, and lack of order of the ADHD brain.  Now take a moment and imagine what it would be like to write a research paper if your brain was filled with TONS of information, only some of which was relevant, and you had to find just the right information in ‘the Library of Congress with no card catalogue!’

The more I work with adults with ADHD, the more I admire their willingness to manage their ADHD brains – creating systems that work for them.  And the good news is that research strongly supports the claim that those who really work to optimize their ADHD treatment CAN manage their ADHD brains.  But to non-ADHD partners out there – remember that it is about ‘management’ not ‘cure.’  So it takes extra effort and time to be productive.

If you’ve ever wondered why it takes an ADHD partner longer to do the same thing…now you know.

Deep Dive.... Melissa recommends 10 Great Books For Couples Impacted by ADHD. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships. The next live session begins in January 2018.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

One thing about compassion – only you are in charge of how compassionate you are.  With ADHD-impacted couples, sustaining compassion can be difficult.  Compassion takes focused attention, the ability to hear or notice the emotions of another, and the absence of anger.

Dr. Edward (Ned) Hallowell likes to call forgiveness “a gift we give to ourselves” and if Blackburn’s research is right, compassion is much like that.  But how do couples get past ADHD symptomatic behaviors and responses to ADHD to a more compassionate relationship?

Here are three suggestions:

• Practice gratitude by taking time each day to write about what you are grateful for right then.  This strengthens positive pathways in your brain.

• Set aside both ‘attend time’ (i.e. time to focus romantically just on each other with few distractions) and ‘discussion time.’  This last is at least one hour a week in which the only agenda is to listen to what is on your partner’s mind, and ask questions to understand it better

• Practice mindfulness – which over time will allow you both to resist jumping into a conversation before you have a moment to think about it

I’ve seen over and over that these strategies, when coupled with work on how to communicate calmly and manage ADHD symptoms really can create a much more compassionate relationship.

Want to dive deeper? ....Read my blog posts on ADHD and Mindfulness and gratitude in an ADHD-impacted relationship.

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

When I talk with couples about improving their relationship I urge them to think in terms of having two distinct relationships – the ‘old’ relationship, and the ‘new’ one.  I want them to leave the old one behind and start fresh – using their new understanding of ADHD to radically alter how they both behave, and committing to contributing their ‘best selves’ to the relationship…moving away from destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and chore wars.

That means stopping the focus on ‘where we’ve been’ and asking instead ‘what’s our ideal relationship?  What do we want to build?’  And then…’How would I behave if I were in that relationship?’  This focus on today and tomorrow, rather than yesterday, makes a huge difference in terms of your growth.

You can't do this alone- BOTH partners must help define their future, then ‘behave their way into it,’ showing compassion and individual strength.  But think about it – don’t you want to make the ‘existing model’ of your relationship extinct?  Fuller has it exactly right.

Melissa Orlov will present at the CHADD International Conference on ADHD November 11 - Atlanta, GA (Lecture & Q&A)

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Well, I might not agree completely with this statement as I think there are crimes that aren’t ever condonable.  But when one is talking about behavior in a relationship, then I think that this statement holds true.  Do we not tend to criticize our partner for being angry, curt or hurtful yet ‘understand it’ when we do similar things ourselves?

I certainly fell into this pattern.  For years it wasn’t okay for my husband to treat me poorly, but his inconsistent behaviors ‘justified’ my criticisms and anger in return.  This kept on until I realized that not only did I not like him very much, but I also didn’t like ME very much, either.  It was time to set my own standards – and stick to them!

Partners do best when they conscientiously contribute their ‘best selves’ to their relationship and I challenge all with whom I work to look at their own behavior with an objective eye.  Would they like to be with themselves if they were in the same room?

How about you?  Are you contributing your ‘best self?”  If not, look back to your most important values and ask yourself how you might do better.  Your situation will likely improve.

Washington DC friends: My workshop on Anger and Communication will help you bring your 'best self'. Starts October 21st. Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Inti macy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.

Satisfaction, happiness, and self-esteem are related to the gap between expectations and reality.  The smaller the gap, the higher the levels of happiness and self-esteem are.

This creates a problem for adults with ADHD, because expectations are generally that they will perform just as well as those who aren’t encumbered by ADHD symptoms, simply because they are adults.  Though they often do perform well – and even excel - on big picture tasks (think starting a new company) and in high pressure emergency situations (think day trader; emergency room physician) the mundane parts of life can be tough.  Forget about perfectionism…ADHD symptoms get in the way of meeting ‘regular’ expectations!  Most ADHD adults experience a lot of shame, even if they aren’t talking about it.

Be aware of triggering that shame (shame does not lead to positive responses in most cases!)  And, if you are the partner with the ADHD, get to understand the ins and outs of your specific ADHD.  “Right size” your expectations to fit where you are in the treatment optimization process.  Over time, you can – and should!- learn skills to help you perform reliably.  In the meantime, don’t torture yourself with unrealistic expectations.  Talk with your partner about your specific plans, goals and expectations as you set them so you are both on the same page.

My Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar started... but it's not too late to join in.  Learn more and Register here. 

You can find great resources for couples impacted by ADHD at adhdmarriage.com, including free:

• -   Online treatment overview;

  -   Downloadable chapters of my books;

  -   A community forum with other couples facing similar issues;

    -   A large number of blog posts on various topics;

    -   Referrals.

Is your relationship in trouble? Consider my highly acclaimed couples' course: ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - This 8-session phone seminar has helped many couples thrive in healthier, happier relationships.

Is your relationship in pretty good shape but you'd love to feel closer? Consider my self-study seminar Recovering Intimacy in Your Relationship.

Adult ADHD can have a huge impact on your relationship. ADHDmarriage.com can literally change your life!  Question? Contact Melissa.

- Please follow us for tips and resources.